Emails From The Akatsuki
by DesuNoteE
Summary: As a new form of communication,Pein wants the Akatsuki to bond with one another through...technology and emails. Will the members be able to cope with the new change? Rated T for swearing, madness and..double madness. Read at your own risk!
1. Chapter 1

**Heya, I'm back!  
This idea popped up in my head when I was lying on my bed, thinking about the evil criminal organization that we all love – the Akatsuki! I love seeing them communicate with one another. Aren't they such cutie-pies? Haha. No, seriously, apart from all that killing. –shudders-**

**Without further ado, let's proceed to the story! ( or not )**

* * *

Emails from the Akatsuki ONE

* * *

Dear Akatsuki members,

Since you all cannot, I repeat, _cannot _communicate with one another without getting into fist fights, bomb battles or knife wars, I want you all to bond with one another through Emails instead. I initially wanted you all to use the traditional method, but Kakuzu was displeased at the idea. After all, letters do cost a lot of money…the writing materials, the paper, the delivery.

There are some rules though. You must start every letter with 'Dear' and end with 'Love'. Also, no spam is allowed. I repeat, not allowed. If any of you do no adhere to this rule, I will ban you from eating Konan's pancakes for one whole month.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Leader,

THIS FUCKIN SUCKS I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT'S UP WITH 'DEAR' AND THAT 'LOVE' BULLCRAP? THIS AINT SOME SHITTY DRAMA SHOW LEADER

EXCUSE ME WHILE I CARRY OUT ANOTHER OF JASHIN-SAMA'S RITUALS

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Please turn off your Caps Lock and refrain from shouting via emails. It is disrespectful and I do not encourage that. Also, learn some punctuation and add commas and full stops every now and then.

By the way, you're supposed to end with 'Love' and your name.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

I agree, un! I'm so not going to end with 'Love'! It's far too cheesy, un!

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

I FUCKING KNOW RIGHT

BTW SINCE WHEN DID YOU START AGREEING WITH ME, BLONDIE?

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Stop moaning. I'm trying to count my money.

_Kakuzu_

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

AND STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH, COCK-ZOO

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Leader,

I will adhere to the rules, Pein-sama.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

That is good. Please do me a favor and tell the other members to start email-ing one another. It is another form of communication. I cannot risk seeing my hideout explode for the tenth time.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Leader,

Yes, Pein-sama.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Leader,

TTOBI^^ IS^^ A^^ GOOD^^ BOY! ^^

TTOBI^^ LIKES^^ EMAILING^^ PEEPOLE! ^^

_Love, Tobi_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

Glad to hear that you like the new form of communication.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Since when did you start agreeing with Hidan? Since when? You'd better reply before I get out my cup of grape juice. I can see everything that you type.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Wtf, un! This will be the first and last time!

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Danna! That will be the first and last time, un! I swear!

P.S: Are you stalking me, you pervert?

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

We're roommates, you brat. And you're just beside me.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Figures, un.

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Has your inbox been a bit slow lately?

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

Yep it's been lagging more than usual. That idiot Tobi's been spamming me ever since leader sent that email. Maybe I should give that masked boy a taste of my Samehada

_Love, Kisame_

* * *

Dear Kisame,

I see.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Tobi

**Stop spamming me fjdngv fkodmerifnveorkgnvfokgbve**

Sorry, I was trying my best to stop my other half from typing profanities! Please excuse us and kindly stop spamming!

_Love, Zetsu_

* * *

Dear Zetsu,

Is ^^ Zetsu-san^^ feeling^^ disturbed^^ by^^ me?^^

TOBI^^ IS^^ SO^^ SORRY^^!

_Love, Tobi_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

**SHUT THE FU UP YOU PIECE OF WJDFNDISANFISDKDSKFNSAOKF**

_Love, Zetsu_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

Sorry about that! It was Black Zetsu!

And no, we're not disturbed, but maybe the others are, so stop before a war erupts!

_Love, Zetsu_

* * *

Dear Leader,

Why are you dragging my pancakes into this, Pein? I demand an explanation!

_Love, Konan_

* * *

Dear Konan,

I'm sorry, but it was the only way to scare the members a bit.

I'll make it up to you, somehow.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Leader,

You'd better, or you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

…With Tobi.

_Love, Konan_

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

STOP HOGGING THE SHOWER I NEED TO BATHE YOU FUCKER

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

OOPS FORGOT YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER SO U CANT REPLY

P.S I AINT GONNA APOLOGIZE FAG, SUCK IT UP

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

I just got out of the shower. But you'll probably see this a little late, because you're in it now.

You idiot. Stop typing in caps, you're hurting my eyes.

P.S you need a profanity filter. Immediately

_Kakuzu_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Have you seen my puppets?

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

No

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

I HATE YOU.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Danna, un! Why do you hate me! I didn't do anything wrong, I swear, un! Tobi took them! I saw him cradling them on the sofa a moment ago!

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Thanks for the answer.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Wait a minute…damn! I'll get you back for this, Danna! Un!

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

I got my puppets back.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

WHERE IS MY CLAY, UN? ITS MISSING! AND I JUST BOUGHT IT LAST WEEK! UNWRAPPED!

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

No idea

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

I HATE YOU.

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Nice try, but that isn't going to work.

_Sasori_

* * *

Dear Sasori,

-.- un

_Deidara_

* * *

Dear Kisame,

We're having fish for dinner! How's that?

_Love, Konan_

* * *

Dear Konan,

I just died a little inside seriously. Why are you so mean? Leader-sama too

P.S THE POOR FISHES DESERVE TO LIVE

_Love, Kisame_

* * *

Dear Konan,

Kindly stop harassing my partner. He's currently crouching in a corner of the room, sucking on his thumb. He's been scarred and traumatized enough, so please stop giving him stress.

Thank you for your attention.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

You always ruin our fun.

_Love, Konan _

* * *

Dear Itachi,

Thanks for your help, Itachi-san.

_Love, Kisame_

* * *

Dear Kisame,

My pleasure.

P.S It was getting kind of scary to see you crying in bed every night.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

STOP SPAMMING YOU FUCKING IDIOT OR IM GOING TO CONVERT YOU TO JASHIN

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

TOBI^^ IS^^ SORRY^^

Tobi^^ will^^ stop^^ sending^^ Hidan-san^^ Pictures^^ of cats^^!

_Love, Tobi_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

I CANT BELIEVE UR LISTENING TO THAT 'PUT LOVE AT THE END OF THE EMAIL' SHIT.

ARE YOU A RETARD OR WHAT?

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Itachi-san^^ promised^^ a lollipop^^ if^^ I ^^ 'showed some manners!'^^

_Love, Tobi_

* * *

Dear Tobi,

THAT IDIOT DIDN'T FUCKING PROMISE ME ANYTHING

THAT STINGY BITVH

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

You spelled 'bitch' wrong, you idiot.

P.S You owe me thirty cents. Return my money immediately!

_Kakuzu_

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

FUCK OFF!

_Fucking sincerely, Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

That 'sincerely' was unnecessary.

And it doesn't count as polite. You still owe me thirty cents. Nothing's going to change that.

_Kakuzu_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

WHY DIDN'T YOU PROMISE ME A LOLLIPOP, YOU SHITHEAD

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

I thought you didn't like lollipops. My apologies.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

OH MY JASHIN WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO THAT 'LOVE' THING LIKE TOBI

IT'S CREEPING THE HELL OUT OF ME NO LIE

ARE YOU LIKE SECRET LOVERS OR SOMETHING?

GO GET A ROOM ALREADY

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Please note that Kisame, Leader-sama, Konan and Zetsu are doing it too.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Itachi,

ORGY PARTY MUCH?

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

No.

_Love, Itachi_

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

KISAME, ITACHI, KONAN, ZETSU, TOBI AND LEADER ARE GONNA ORGY ORGY ORGY ORGY

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

You are so dead

_Konan_

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Please ignore Hidan. I will deal with his punishment later.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

What^^ is^^ an^^ orgy^^ Hidan^^san^^?

_Love, Tobi_!

* * *

Dear Tobi,

I'LL TELL YOU LATER DURING DINNER FREAK

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Hidan,

No dinner for you. Leader's wishes

_Konan_

* * *

Dear Konan,

FUCK

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Konan,

I'm grateful. We can save a bit of money tonight.

_Kakuzu_

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

FUCK YOU! I SAW THAT

_Hidan_

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Enough with the Emails. Go to the dining room for dinner now.

_Love, Leader_

* * *

**The end!**

**Like it or hate it? Review! Whether I should continue this will depend on the number of reviews.**

**xoxo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to all those who reviewed and stuff! Let's proceed to Chapter Two of their insanity.**

* * *

Emails from the Akatsuki TWO

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

It has come to my attention that Tobi and a few of you have been spamming rather unnecessarily. Therefore, as promised, I will ban the foolish brats who dare defy my orders from eating Konan's pancakes.

P.S The Akatsuki Leader shouldn't have pictures of cats in his inbox. It's embarrassing, so to say.

Love, Leader

* * *

Dear Leader,

Am I one of them, un?

Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Since you forgot to put 'LOVE' at the end of your email, I'm considering banning you too.

Love, Leader.

* * *

Dear Sasori,

This sucks, un! Leader wants to ban me because I didn't put 'love' at the end when emailing him!

Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Try putting your catchphrase at the end.

Puppet Boy, Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Seriously? Puppet boy, un?

Art is a bang! Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Brat.

STFU Dei, Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Now that's just weird, un.

Un! Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

I feel weird. Let's just stop doing that and don't end with anything.

Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

What about my pancakes, you idiot, un!

Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

You can eat mine.

Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Your pancakes are grape-flavored. And any grape juice that comes from you is poison, un.

Do you want to kill me, Danna?  
Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

…

Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

Guilty freak, un.

Deidara

* * *

Dear Leader,

I DIDN'T SPAM RIGHT AM I INNOCENT?

P.S I BETTER FUCKING BE

Hidan

* * *

Dear Hidan,

You didn't put 'love' at the end, so you're not.

Love, Leader

* * *

Dear Leader,

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MADNESS

Fuck you, Hidan

* * *

Dear Hidan,

No more pancakes. Ever. I banning you for eternity.

Love, Leader.

* * *

Dear Leader,

Why are you dragging my pancakes into this?

P.S You didn't make it up to me. I want that designer bag I saw in a shop that costs fifty thousand.

Love, Konan

* * *

Dear Konan,

Ask them for the money?  
Love, Leader

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Buy me that designer bag that costs fifty thousand and I shall give you a lifetime's supply of MY pancakes!  
Totally worth it.

P.S Pein's sleeping on the couch tonight. You can all crash in his bedroom.

Love, Konan

* * *

Dear Konan,

?

Love, Leader

* * *

Dear Leader,

^3^

Love, Konan

* * *

Dear Konan,

ASK THAT STINGY MISER KAKUZU IM SURE HE'LL FORK UP SOME OF HIS FUCKING CASH TO BUY U DAT WHATEVA SHIT BAG YOU WANTED

P.S CAN I HAVE SOME OF YOUR PANCAKES FOR MY RECOMMENDATION?

Hidan

* * *

Dear Hidan,

Tell Kakuzu I'm going to his room (and yours, technically) now.

Love, Konan

* * *

Dear Itachi,

I found a dead guppy in my toothpaste…

Kill me, partner.

Love, Kisame

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Must be Tobi.

Love, Itachi

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

TOBI^^ IS^^ A^^ GOOD^^ BOY!^^ TOBI^^ PUT^^ GUPIES^^ IN^^ YOUR^^ TOOTHPASTES!^^ TOBI^^ HOPES^^ THAT EVERYONE ^^ WILL^^ TREAT^^ THEM^^ WELL!^^ ESPECIALLY^^ SENPAI!^^

Love, Tobi

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Told you.

Love, Itachi.

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Do not panic. I shall deal with the problem immediately.

Love, Itachi.

* * *

Dear Tobi,

FUCK YOU BITCH

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY JASHIN TOOTHPASTE THAT COST FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS

IT TASTES LIKE KISAME'S ASS NOW

Hidan

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

HIDAN^^SAN^^JUST^^SAID^^THAT^^KISAME^^SAN'S^^ASS^TASTES^^LIKE^^FISH^^

I^^ LEARNT^^ NEW^^ THINGS^^ TODAY!^^ TOBI^^ IS^^ HAPPY^^

Love, Tobi

* * *

Dear Hidan,

WHAT? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

Love, Kisame

* * *

Dear Kisame,

YOUR FUCKING BELOVED PARTNER

Hidan

* * *

Dear Itachi,

What is the meaning of this? How would you know if my butt tastes like a fish's?

Love, Kisame

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Who told you?

Love, Itachi

* * *

Dear Itachi,

Hidan.

Love, Kisame

* * *

Dear Kisame,

I'll be right back. I need to take care of urgent business.

Love, Itachi.

* * *

Dear Tobi,

**WHAT THE FU IS WRONG WITH YOU?**

**CANT YOU SEE I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP BUT YOU KEEP ON SPAMMGIERNGERGFDKGNFDGSFS**

Zetsu

* * *

Dear Tobi,

Sorry, Black Zetsu's just cranky without any weed.

Love, Zetsu

* * *

Dear Zetsu,

WHAT^^ WEED^^?

Love, Tobi

* * *

Dear Tobi,

Nothing!

Love, Zetsu

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

DEWLFMEWONDOSdnoiaSND WHO WAS THE IDIOT WHO TOLD ITACHI

HE'S IN MY ROOM TRYING TO BUTT RAPE ME

FUCK YOU

Hidan

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Why the hell are you all coming into my room? This isn't a war zone.

P.S Sorry Konan, I can't buy the bag for you. Far too expensive. Hurts my heart.

Kakuzu

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Sry I'll buy the bag. Immediately.

P.S SHE'S HOLDING A KNIFE TO MY THROAT SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE

Kakuzu

* * *

Dear Kakuzu,

And reveal to them our secret hideout? No.

Sasori

* * *

Dear Tobi,

IM GOING TO KILL YOU, UN!

Deidara

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Your partner's banging someone. Go stop him, un!

Deidara

* * *

Dear Deidara,

What? He only bangs ME!  
Kisame

* * *

Dear Kisame,

Let him enjoy himself. **After all, your partner is horny as fuck.**

Love, Zetsu

* * *

Dear Zetsu,

I know right.

Love, Kisame

* * *

Dear Akatsuki,

Explain why Hidan and Kakuzu's room is shaking non-stop. And violently.

Love, Leader

* * *

Dear Leader,

They're banging each other. Want to know who?

Sasori

* * *

Dear Sasori,

No thanks.

Love, Leader

* * *

**The end of the madness! –breathes in deeply-**

**Now that it's over…**

**R**

**n**

**R**

**FOR**

**COOKIES!**


End file.
